Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
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If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
SUPERHERO: I alienate my loved ones to protect them from danger
ME: Me too, that’s also my reason
Shuffling into the kitchen in a robe Sunday morning to change the clock on the microwave is the lamest form of time travel ever.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
look son, i kinda need you to go to hong kong & win a martial arts tournament to the death for me because i sorta told my neighbor you did
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Is Mercury still in the microwave?
i wonder if fewer people would eat Rabbit Stew if it was instead called Bunny Rabbit Stew.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
I am fairly well educated, but not ‘knows every nuance of the English language’ educated.
I also have no idea what ‘nuance’ means.
All I’m sayin is that you’re not gonna want my kid doing your taxes after being homeschooled by me.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.
My kid glued a jenga block to the wall like some kind of hunting trophy, and now I’m going to have to tell people it’s modern art because I can’t get it to come off
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
random guy came up to me today and asked for my autograph, and i gotta say i was flattered. a little strange that the only piece of paper he happened to have on him was a life insurance policy on me for $1 million, but sometimes that’s just how it works out!
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
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