When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
You Might Also Like
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.
Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
My obituary: She died in the shower, dancing away from a spider that was really just black sock fuzz.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
[job interview]
What’s ur greatest strength?
“I wear too much cologne”
No, I mean-
“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”
The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
Me: Ugh! These jeans are too tight!
*opens bag of chips*
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
it’s sundress season and i have several dresses with pockets and and if you don’t think i’m gonna use them to carry spicy chicken nuggets and mini babybels, you are mistaken
An internet atheist is involved in some kind of drama? No way.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
[god in a bad mood but insisting he’s fine]
I wanna make some changes to what we made yesterday
“but the spider is done”
Im adding 6 legs
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
Here’s a little song I wrote about being old in the summer it’s called “Sunburn on My Bald Spot” and a one and a two
My parents moved a lot when I was younger.
My sister and I always managed to track them down though.
[kidnapping]
BOSS: Tape his mouth shut.
ME: [puts tiny strip of tape on the hostages mouth]
BOSS: Are you stupid? Put more on.
ME: Oh I’m sorry I forgot tape doesn’t cost money.
Some of y’all never had to risk it all for a LimeWire download and it shows
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*