Batman: I am named this because I fear bats.
Incoming Phone Call Man: Buddy I get it.
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I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
Me: we’re throwing a surprise party for Tim
Wife: don’t you hate Tim?
Me: [filling balloons with bees] yes
Wednesday
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.