What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
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8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
No officer,YOU`RE going the wrong way.
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
I started off my new fitness regime this morning with a run. It isn’t the only mistake I’ve made this week, but it’s certainly the biggest.
On the other hand however, hospital food’s much tastier than I expected.
This is the coolest video you will see today.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
I’m constantly amazed that only 26 letters in the alphabet can produce so much bullshit.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
I don’t have a date for Valentine’s Day so I’ll probably end up going out with the wife
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
Me: Got your nose!
Baby: *drags from cig* Let me tell you how this is going down. You give me back my nose & maybe I let u walk out of here.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Taking my roomba out back because I suspect it’s been reporting back to Bezos
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
suddenly remembered my high school production of hamlet where the drama teacher decided that the only actor with the gravitas to play claudius was…. himself
the cast was 15 teenagers and a man in his 40s with a highlighted pompadour, dark wash denim, and a silver skull ring.
he taught us drama alright.