It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
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10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
[at home on video conference call]
Yeah boss I don’t know why I keep dropping. Maybe my connection is bad.
*pauses Netflix on 2nd monitor*
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
*first day of umpire school*
Teacher: You seem disappointed, is there something wrong?
Me: *wearing fake fangs* no no it’s fine
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
Phew. Zero percent juice. That was a close call.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I’m at the age where drinking a cup of coffee now makes me feel like Popeye scarfing down a can of spinach.
When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.
I’m pretty much a SAHM now and someone asked me the other day, “so what do you do with all your free time now?” Ummm, I guess I just nap. And after a long nap, I like to squeeze in a short nap. Then the butler arrives & makes dinner while I ride my unicorn around fairyland.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now