I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
You Might Also Like
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
[My Dad If He Were A Bartender]
ME: Can I have a beer?
DAD: I don’t know, CAN you?
ME: Ugh, just make me a drink.
DAD: Poof, you’re a drink.
ME: Come on!
DAD: Where are we going?
ME: I’m putting you in a home.
DAD: We’re already in someones home.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
Just so funny
Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
I never understood why parents teach their kids to wave at passing trains: they could do that to pedestrians or cars just as easily
But if you give the finger to the people on the trains, there’s nothing they can do about it — they can’t stop. It’s that that makes trains special
‘I never thought leopards would eat MY face,’ sobs woman who voted for the Leopards Eating People’s Faces Party.
“911 what’s ur emergency”
I… stabbed someone
“What? Why?”
He walked up to me and was all like HAPPY MONDAY
“Is he dead?”
No
“Stab him again”
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Fiction has to make sense.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
When an employer says they’re offering competitive salary I assume we’re all gonna assemble in the breakroom for medieval combat.