Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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This is amazing.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Some church people knocked on my door and said they wanted to tell me about the afterlife. I told them I’m trying to avoid any spoilers.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
My password is “weak?” Well your password recovery security question is soft as shit. The city I was born in? Ask me why my mom left my dad.
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
Daddy Longlegs: Proof you need to settle your inner demons before naming animals.
I want to install a camera system, partly for security, but mostly so when my husband texts me asking what’s for dinner I can send him a 16 minute video montage of the kids screaming followed by a Thai take-out menu screen-shot.
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
A swear jar, but you take out a piece of paper and yell whatever’s written on it.
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral
Me: to when? The 90’s?
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Grocery prices are so bad I could only afford “some purpose” flour.
[Christmas morning]
Snake: Thank you for the present!
Snake 2: You’re welcome
[5 minutes later]
Snake: Yeah, I got no idea how to open it
Snake 2: Not sure how I even wrapped it