doc: [looking at clipboard] no no this isn’t good at all
me: omg why god whyy
doc: i asked for goldenrod and this form is ivory
me: wait, i’m not dying?doc: whoa there, hold your horses
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[inventing jogging]
how can I suffer but with music
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
Doctor: [puts my arm in a sling]
Me: wait—
Doctor: [fires my arm out the window]
Me: wtf
Doctor: [shouting out the window] next time it’s a leg STAY OUT OF MY PARKING SPACE
My phone encourages me to get exercise, monitors my heart rate and tells me when to go to bed.
I think it’s one of the most nurturing relationships I’ve ever had.
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
“Why are you wearing?” – existentialist reporter on the red carpet
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Not me DoorDashing Taco Bell at 330am and messaging the driver “Please don’t ring the doorbell and wake people up. I don’t want to share.”
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.