if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
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The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
If I lived in Alabama, I’d name my daughter, ‘Banjo-lina”.
Hiking is a great way to get fresh air, exercise, and find spots to hide the person you murdered.
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
The Joker was right
Getting vaccinated in Canada isn’t complicated. All you have to do is find an old raccoon, correctly answer their riddles, accept a quest to go on a hike through the Northwest Territories to locate an ancient bottle of maple syrup where you will be greeted by an old witch who-
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
Genie: You have three wishes.
Me: First, I would like a time machine.
*travels back in time a few minutes now owning a time machine*
Genie: You have three wishes.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!