Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
Any sink has a garbage disposal if you push hard enough.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
[graduation]
…and I owe it all to my mom, and my late dad *sheds tear*
[crowd cries]
*dad walks in holding starbucks*
“traffic, my bad”
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
My niece is pregnant and the fetus already has business cards as a freelance media consultant.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”
I’ve just had to let my trousers out.
They wanted to go for a walk and I couldn’t be bothered.