Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
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me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
Things i use duct tape for, by percentage:
Pranks: 35%
Car repair: 35%
Wrapping presents: 20%
Medical emergencies: 10%
Ducts: 0%
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Him: Don’t you think that’s enough Bailey’s in your coffee?
Me: I’m in morning
Last Christmas, I gave you my heart, the very next day you told me you’re gay….
My son cried when I gave him his breakfast this morning. I made him scrambled eggs, covered them in ketchup & told him it was Humpty Dumpty.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
My computer crashed and I lost some work in progress but luckily the cloud saved those 57 shots my toddler took of his forehead with my iPad in 2014
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Dogs are like hey man don’t get mad at me for taking a dump on your carpet. You do that in my special porcelain water dish