[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
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Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
(guy glaring at me because he wants to use the stationary bike) *adds 72 hours to cardio workout*
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:
‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
I’m going on my first date in years, and I’ve forgotten the proper etiquette. Do I cry after dessert, or when he’s paid the bill?
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
Yes officer I know it seems like a lot for personal use.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
yes, we are a highly diverse company. susan in accounts is a goth
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
i love that my tweets still say i’m tweeting from earth because i know a lot of you are tweeting straight from URANUS
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths