Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
You Might Also Like
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
Wife-CAN YOU CLEAN UP?
Me-*Quietly mutters- I don’t work for you!
3-*runs out of room yelling-
DADDY SAYS HE DOESN’T WORK FOR YOU!
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
Wear a sombrero to the next wedding you’re invited too. Long after they’re divorced they’ll talk about the guy in the sombrero.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
“I’m light-headed. I just need to eat.”
-my excuse for everything
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
Take caution while searching the annals of history.
The anals of history provide very different results.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
how do they grow the peanuts inside M&Ms
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
When my dog poops in the yard, no one cares. When I do it, I’m “drunk” and “bringing down property values” and my neighbor is “calling the cops”
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
Me: My waitress said “Have a nice day” and I replied “I love you too, Mommy.” Lol, that could happen to anyone, right?
Therapist’s notes: “I’ve got a live one here.”
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now
Mom: Where’s your brother?
Son: Dad sent him to the kitchen to mosh potatoes
Mom: Mosh?
Brother [in the kitchen wildly slamming into potatoes]
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!