[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
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[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
God: welcome to heaven. here’s your wings.
Adam West: [putting on batman cowl] I won’t be needing those.
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
My favorite sport ? Lasagna
[Animal Shelter]
Me: “I’m here to pick up a rescue dog.”
Her: “And what kind of dog did you have in mind?”
Me: “Well, mostly I’ll be needing him to drag me passed out drunk from buildings I’ve set on fire with lit cigarettes. So… a strong one. Oh & ideally he knows CPR.”
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
All those years of school never taught me the most important life lesson. Green gummy bears are strawberry flavored.
Husband: “Why do you ALWAYS have to be on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
I shot a man in Reno just to watch him dry
(I used a water pistol)
HER: OMG Thats not going to fit
HIM: Just relax. I’ll go slow
HER: If you’re sure…
HIM: [severely damages surrounding cars while parking]
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
how to have fun when you’re poor
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Is this a threat?