Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
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If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
[on an airplane]
Me: Is the pilot any good?
Flight attendant: One of the best
Me: [winks] How about the rest of the season?
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
[on a deserted island, receives message in a bottle]
“We’ve been trying to reach you regarding your car’s expired warranty”
Shrimp: My mom’s coming to visit
Starfish wife: Again?! The 3rd time this year?
S:She’s lonely
Wife: Oh grow a spi…
S: Grow a what, Karen?
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
Ghosts wear sheets because nobody’s scared of sleeping bags.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
Dear neighbor who mows his yard early in the morning tomorrow,
I found my bagpipes for tonight.
I’ve become obsessed with the idea that Jesus was a terrible guitarist but no one told him to stop because they were afraid of his dad.
Son, we don’t play Hungry Hungry Hippos for “fun.” We play it to learn how friends turn on each other in moments of desperation and scarcity
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
4: Mama, I’m not feeling so good.
Me: What’s wrong baby girl?
4: I haven’t had spaghetti for so long my stomach misses it. Listen, *puffs up belly* you can hear my tummy cry.
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
People who like country: “I get it people don’t like country you can put whatever you want on”
People who don’t like country: “I swear if you put country on I will jump out of this moving vehicle run to the closest body of water and drown myself”
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.