*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
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Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Me *Screams at mountain*: I LOVE YOU!
Mountain *echoes back*: I have a boyfriend…. oyfriend…end…nd
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
We need a name for our store that shows we’re on the cutting edge of technology.
“How about Radio Shack?”
Perfect.
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
If you live in the U.S., date someone in Australia. That way when they dump you it will be tomorrow, and you don’t have to deal with it yet.
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
Cop: Why are you speeding?
Me: I’m super late for work
Cop: Ok, I need you to slow down
Me: Sorry. I’m…..super….late….for……work
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
I get really freakin pissed off when complete strangers ask me a lot of questions. So no… the job interview didn’t go very well.
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Me: “Why does the date of Easter change each year?”
Priest: “It’s because of the moon”
Me: “The moon killed Jesus?”
Priest: “Yes. Yes it did”
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
The downside to being such a good man is all the s*xual excitement it evokes in my admirers. As such, I’ve had to create a series of automated messages in my DMs to deal with all the s*xy texting requests
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
I just cleaned the birdbath and now there’s a line for it.