Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
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I’m Puerto Rican, but not “carries a knife in my purse everywhere I go” Puerto Rican.
Sometimes it’s in my bra.
the batteries in my keys don’t work anymore so now i just say “CHIRP CHIRP!” as i walk away from my car. your move robbers
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Me: Table for four, please. And can we get some crayons?
Her: Will there be children dining today?
Me: No. The crayons are for me.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
A man tried to get a refund on a Tom and Jerry boxset because the storylines were “repetitive”
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
Dietest Coke
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
me: hate mechanics who talk down to me
also me: this guy is perfect
Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”
And then Security had to escort me.