Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
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Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
Lying to stupid people can give you a profound sense of satisfaction, it can also make you president.
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
ME: *eating fast food*
VEGAN GUY: You eat that stuff?
ME: Yeah
VG: That stuff is gonna kill you
ME: *visibly annoyed* not soon enough
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
I relate to #PizzaRat because if I found a slice of pizza as big as a car you can bet I’d try my best to take that thing home.
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
That feeling when you must evacuate your bowels after drinking fermented tea should be called spontaneous kombucha.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
People with house arrest ankle bracelets get so touchy when you compare them to a dog’s invisible fence.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity