I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
You Might Also Like
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
Anxiety: get ready
Me: for what?
Anxiety: Get ready.
Me: For what?
Anxiety: GET READY!!!!!!!!!
Me: Gah! FOR WHAT?
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides stay drunk.
An increasingly frustrated ax murderer making throat clearing sounds outside my window as I’m splayed on the couch drinking Cheeto crumbs
For once I’d like the menu options to carefully listen to ME. I’ve changed too, you know.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
Sing it!
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
I want to buy a haunted house, not so haunted where I can’t live in it but enough so my kids don’t get out of bed in the middle of the night.
7:02 pm: I’ll probably have 1 or 2 beers
2:43am: [emailing the former CEO of radio shack] WHY THE FUCJ WERE U SELLING VCRS IN 2014
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor