Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
You Might Also Like
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
Lisa: morning David
Me: who said that?
Lisa [sighs]: sorry I didn’t text you back last night
Me: is that a ghost? Because Lisa is dead to me
I heard a noise downstairs, so naturally I came down to investigate in my towel, post-shower.
Exactly. I’M the idiot in a slasher film.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I had fruit and yogurt for breakfast.
And 6 donuts for second-breakfast.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
*brings guitar on date to set the mood
Me: Hey do you know how to play this thing?
Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
I just saw Angelina Jolie’s ex walking one of Santa’s reindeer down a nude beach. A topless Dancer & a bottomless Pitt.
Ha ha I’m so lonely
Xylophonist Shredding It
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
[montage of me giving-up]
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.