My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
You Might Also Like
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
establish dominance by “properly” rewrapping your in-laws’ gift to you
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
If it turns out there is a Heaven and Hell, I’m still screwed. I owe people in both places a lot of money.
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.
We say that elephants never forget, but it’s not as if they have much to remember. They don’t have PIN numbers or passwords. They never have to put the bins out. They can even guess what kind of elephant they are and have a 50/50 chance of getting it right.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo
For a brief period, cats delivered mail in Belgium. During the 1970s, the city of Liège “hired” 37 cats to deliver mail in waterproof bags. As expected, the cats weren’t effective mailmen.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
How crazy is it that we used to say “three and a half inch floppy” with a straight face
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
That took me a moment.
Me: do you love natural peanut butter, but hate stirring it?
Construction Boss: I’m not questioning the concept, it’s just not your cement mixer
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
Me: *talking to teen daughter*
Teen: I can’t hear you.
Me: *unplugs WiFi*
Teen: I HEARD THAT!
Tried to sneakily put my 5-year-old to bed an hour early because I was exhausted, figuring I could get away with it because it was cloudy and dark outside. Little dude looked me dead in the eye and, “Alexa, what time is it?”
Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Your pancakes will never taste as good as the ones your mother made because those pancakes had a secret ingredient, which is that you were six years old.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.