@Kristen_Arnett time for some seasonal decor
@trevso_electric Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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@Kristen_Arnett 
@MoistPork I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
@torrami Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.
@StanHels1ng I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
@SaraESpivey I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
@olivebeerthanks Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
@kelkulus They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.
@paulrobalino Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae
@Marlebean “Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
@thoatley It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
