@trevso_electric

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

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@UNDEADTRESOR

The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.

@inmynewskin

I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt

@Not_From_Troy

When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.

@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@murrman5

*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*

@TinaMav

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

@robin_991

Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.

@WilliamAder

Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.

@Gupton68

What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?