Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
4: I wanna watch Sing 2!
hubs: you’ve watched that a thousand times.
4: not today.
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
My friend and I had a running joke. She said let’s do a marathon and then we both laughed.
こいつ天才
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Oh boy, I am desperate!
My bowels do churn.
Too many tacos!
I never will learn.
Pardon me, Sir!
I believe it’s my turn.– Horton Has to Poo
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
Whenever I start feeling mom guilt for letting my kids watch tv, I put it in Spanish. Now my kids are getting Spanish lessons
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want
Wife: How’d this get broken?
Me: Probably the kids.
Wife: We don’t have any kids.
Me: *already sprinted out the front door*
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.