Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

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The Victoria’s Secret models should use their wings to fly to a food source.


I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt


When I was a kid I slept with a nightlight…

to keep away monsters who were scared of small, low wattage light bulbs.


ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u


*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*


How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.


Welcome to your 40s.
You remember your home phone number from when you were 11 but you can’t remember why you came upstairs.


Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?

Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.


What idiot called it Santa’s holiday and not his sleighcation?