@trevso_electric

Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.

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@MoistPork

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

@torrami

Did 300 squats yesterday. Walking funny today. Embarrassed about being out of shape so I’m telling everyone that I had buttsex last night.

@olivebeerthanks

Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”

She asked “Which one?”

Me “William, HELLO!”

@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@Marlebean

“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”

“Mom I’m right here.”

“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”

“MooOoom”

“5, 4”

“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”

“3, 2, 1”

*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*

“I’M 36 MOM!!”