Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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would u rather live through 2020 again or that year where every public place was simultaneously playing radioactive by imagine dragons all the time
“There’s a lot to unpack here” is something I say when I don’t have the slightest understanding of what you just said.
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
7-year-old: I found a penny.
Me: Good job.
7: How many more do I need for college?
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
When life hands you women, make women laid.
My first wife and I split on good terms. I know this because, when I announce the split on FB, she was the first to click LIKE.
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.