Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
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By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
I hate getting cut off because I’ve “had enough.” Who are they to say how much butter I need on my movie theater popcorn?
Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
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Wife: Hi, did you eat?
Me: Did you eat?
Wife: Are you copying me?
Me: Are you copying me?
Wife: I love you!
Me: Yes, I already ate
My body might be failing, but at least my mind is still sharp as a sack.
Meanwhile, at the local farmer’s market…..
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If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
I have like 17 hours to kill I think I’ll listen to one Pink Floyd song
King: The son of God will be born! We need 4 wise men to shop for gifts!
“I’ll get gold”
“Frankincense”
“I’ll get myrrh”
Me: Can babies vape?
King: Actually 3 wise men is fine
Vaguely threatening bubble tea ad at my local mall.🧋
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If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Went to see my doctor today and apparently drinking mimosas are not considered a juice cleanse.
Jfc.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.