What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
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I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
Pre-diction: Baby’s first words will be garbled.
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
Nice try, NASA
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
My 3yo explaining pizza delivery:
“You hear the doorbell, then you open the door, then a person is suddenly there, and then they give you a pizza. And then they disappear into the night.”
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Year 2055. Twitter dot com is downloaded into your head as a sentient being program. You post tweets via thought. People still manually RT.
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Husband looking through take out bag: Did you forget my tacos?
Me spewing taco shell crumbs: Thofe baftards mufed have forgot to pack fem.
Hey, my eyes are up here.
Nope. Higher.
– snails, probably
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
Most of my exercise comes from getting up to let the cat in and out.
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.