Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
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Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
7YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
7YO: …last night your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
Me: DIALOGUE!!!
Other lumberjack: You’re supposed to yell timber.
Wife: We need a new fridge.
Me: This is a terrible day.
Wife: You can use the old fridge as a beer fridge.
Me: This is the best day of my life.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over.
BLANKET: You were cold?
Call centre operator: “Sorry for the delay, bear with me … ”
Me: “Put the bear on, he probably knows more.”
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
It’s so rude when someone else is using your toilet cubicle at work
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
me logging onto twitter
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
The sexual tension between the mustard sauce and my t shirt.
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
god bless the 1st weatherman to dress as danny zuko & plead with sandy