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I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
Today’s lesson:
Tuck your hoodie strings in or back BEFORE you lean over your bowl of soup.
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
Pick up a book, any book. Open to the middle, and read the first paragraph.
Make sense?
Welcome to Twitter.
Interviewer: “How are your multitasking skills?”
*thinks of all the times I tweet while pooping*
Me: “Excellent.”
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
My brother might be 38, but he just figured out he can control my television with his phone, and he is absolutely using that power to bug the shit out of me.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
We love taking our boys to adventure parks. It’s a great way to spend $800 to listen to them complain about the weather and about how much they hate to stand in line.
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me