I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
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Green is just blue that someone peed in
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Good dog. ❤️
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
Scientist: You left the cage open and 349 frogs escaped.
Me: I guess I FROGOT 🙂
Scientist: *rubbing bridge of nose* They were poisonous.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
My teen being nice to me is getting really expensive.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
[phone call]
Prank caller: Hi, I’d like to speak to Agood Boi
Receptionist: who’s Agood Boi?
Prank caller: lol *tail goes nuts*
I’m getting close to that age where people applaud the things I’m “still able to do”
become ungovernable
If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
guy: what should we call our ritual for contacting the dead
shawn: a shawnce
sean: I have a better idea
I sent 117 texts and called you 82 times but you must be busy so I came over to tell you the restraining order expired and I still love you!
How to make it rain:
-Hang washing out
-Wash car
-Decide against umbrella
-Nip out for lunch
-Plan barbecue
-Style hair
-Go to seaside
-Water all your plants
-Open the sunroof
-Take a day off
-Have windows cleaned
-Paint fence
-Put cushions out
-Say “should be a nice day”
farmer: hay
horse: I have a boyfriend
Jason: Honey?
Wife: Mmmm?
Jason: Where is my hockey mask?
W: I washed it. It’s next to your machete
J: Hon, that’s my work mask. If it’s all shiny clean and smells like Gain it just kinda loses something when I’m stalking camp councillors