Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
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I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
I was having a drink of coffee and didn’t see the pothole in the road, so that’s on me.
bible: love thy enemy
me: loves carbohydrates
I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
If I worked in a used record store I would tell every customer “all sales are vinyl” until I was fired.
It would be worth it.
I’m never asking anyone out on a date again
ME: Close your eyes, I got you a birthday present.
SPOUSE: *closes eyes* Oh?
ME: Remember how you told me you love Daft Punk?
SPOUSE: No. I said I’d love for you to stop listening to Daft Punk in the car.
ME: *nervously* Oh
*Daft Punk slowly rises from behind the couch*
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Dads have to rest their eyes in the living room cause they see all the injustice in the world.
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
I wonder what song The Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make that cute bikini top
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
*Bar fight*
Friend: you go high, I’ll go low.
Me: Ok.
*friend tackles guy at waist*
*me, singing falsetto*
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
My uncle was famous for being really quick with a shovel. You probably don’t know him though. He was only a miner celebrity.
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens