If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
To all the people who hate mayonnaise but love ranch dressing, sit down I have some news…
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
ME [as a kid]: i won’t be a grumpy old man
ME [now]: *gets mad at a car for being orange*
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Therapist: What can you do when your husband rubs you the wrong way?
M: ask him to use his other hand
Therapist: Let me rephrase…
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
I tried a non-alcoholic beer last night and I think I have discovered what my favorite ingredient in beer is.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter
“You’d better run, egg!”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
I like my men like I like my coffee: encouraging my bowel movements
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.