make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
You Might Also Like
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Sorry I smacked your face with a rolled up newspaper.
Maybe a little less mascara next time… I have arachnophobia.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
fixed it
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home
Is it wrong to make change from the collection plate? Asking for a friend.
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Someone on Facebook asked what they should name a horse with a parent named Red Wine. I said Caberneigh and I keep cracking up when I think about it.
I am my target audience.
The flower shop ladies are so judgmental. Seriously, all I asked them to do is wrap the flowers and write the note to my wife “Sorry for being a week late, Happy belated anniversary !”
Taco guy: guac costs extra
Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free
Taco Guy: guac is free…
Anakin: why’d u even pay for the taco?
Obi Wan: dammit
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Of all the things we should be thankful for at this time of year, not being a turkey is probably the main one.
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
If I could teach my kid anything it would be do not attempt to lay on my face. Give me my personal space please, tiny leech.
WIFE: Having your phone in your jeans pocket will make you infertile & stop us having more kids
ME: *shoves 10 phones & microwave in pocket*
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
what if sneks had fluffy ears
what then??
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person