Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
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I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
People just like to argue.
People: No we don’t
Every haunted house movie:
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
ME: Hey, what are you building?
PAL: A new kitchen counter
ME: That seems…
PAL: Please don’t
ME: …counterproductive
こいつ天才
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
Me: I don’t think I like it here
Demon: yeah well that’s kind of the point
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.
Me: *coughs*
Coworker:
Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.
Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.
Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
The most important thing you will ever learn is the very real difference between glossy and shiny.
My “get up and go” got up and left years ago.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Do you like Taco Bell? Then you’ll LOVE real food!
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree