I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
ADAM: Let’s take turns naming animals.
EVE: Ok. Lion.
A: Um, sea lion.
E: Horse.
A: Uh, seahorse
E: Cow.
A: Sea cow.
E: Idiot.
A: Sea idiot!
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
strapless bras are cool cause by the end of the night you have a new belt
*ransom note on gun*
[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]
[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
I know parents should inspire kids to be anything when they grow up. But my son took 1 hour to eat a banana, so competitive eating is out.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Is 5 years too long of a time to reconnect with an old friend to let them know you got home okay?
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
found my next D&D character name
Carl: Cold out night.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: NASA found LSD improved spiders’ ability to make webs.
Me: Fair enough.
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
“Haha! That’s ridic-” Bill started to say, but his words trailed off as an heirloom sprang from behind a tree, sinking its fangs deep into his neck.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee