I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
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My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
If you do not brick up your chimney this year to keep Santa out, you’re not taking this virus very seriously.
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Suddenly there’s a toddler next to you. What does it want? You give it your business card.
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
ChatGPT cannot be stopped.
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Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
An interrogator that just goes into the room and loudly eats a peach until the suspect confesses to everything.
Asked my friend how he’s been and he replied saying he wasn’t doing so great and tbh he’s in a bad state right now.
I told him so many people have been there and can commiserate, but he’s gotta keep going and just remember: Rhode Island doesn’t take too long to drive through.
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
If a man shows up with cotton eyes, my first question won’t be about his travel itinerary.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Me: I want a snack.
Husband: You could have veggies.
Me: …I have never felt less heard in this marriage than I do now.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking