An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
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Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
People who use any other buttons on your microwave besides 30 Seconds default one, explain yourselves!
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
okay run it by me one more time
Partner: It’s raining
Me: But just water, right, not frogs or fire or anything
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
People write Congrats cause they can’t spell Congrajulashins
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
To my writer friends. Just keep going. I was rejected over 48 times before I got my 49th rejection.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
I’m always a little suspicious of women who say that they don’t “remember things”
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
me, at burger king: before we begin this transaction i would like to introduce you to my hamburger advisor
cashier: okay, what would you like to order?
my hamburger advisor: {whispers to me before turning to the cashier} we would like to see the hamburger first
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem