Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.![]()
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From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Our family’s sole contribution to evolution is a diminished sense of smell.
Me *drooling
It’s not you, it’s the pepper jack.
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
so no one told you life was gonna be this way
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Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
6yo: chicken is good for you. but not so good for the chicken
😳
I became a Veterinary Assistant because I’m always covered in dog hair and wear pajamas all day anyway
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.
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My son has reached an age where he’s becoming curious about the human body, so I think I’m gonna have to drag it out of the crawlspace and bury it behind the shed.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Born on February 29th of a leap year, I can’t legally drink till I’m 84.