Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
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I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
ME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
You know what really makes me smile?
Dracula is never rebooted, merely revamped
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
her: your frog jokes are terrible
me: so i’ve been toad, jen
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Vin Diesel eats only two meals per day:
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
no one who’s ever been hit in the head with a softball calls it a softball
Not my mom telling me she still talk to my ex because I still talk to her ex… Mam that’s my DAD
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Alright pregnant ladies-this is YOUR BIG DAY!!!!!!
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday. You fucking cry on the clock. Don’t let capitalism win.
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them