Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
You Might Also Like
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I’m ugly in California man. I got a job there at a poison control center and they just called me into the room when they needed someone to throw up
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.
I don’t bully strangers on the internet because I’m too busy making fun of the people I know irl
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
I come from a long line of over-achievers, and I’ve put a stop to that nonsense.
Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
The Tooth Fairy plants all of those teeth as evidence
ok wow… unfollowing now. was a big fan of his food but I was not aware he was just an untalented guy being controlled by a rat
I feel seen.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
I don’t understand Christian heavy metal. Like why are they so angry for Jesus?
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
You know IT have given up when the error message reads ‘Something went wrong’.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe