Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
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If you love someone:
1. Set them free
2. Drunk dial them
3. Read too much into their FB posts
4. Make them feel sorry for you
5. Die alone
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
According to HR, putting a middle finger emoji at the end of my auto-reply before going on vacation, is apparently not acceptable.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
plug your corndog into the cigarette lighter to reheat it a little bit while driving
If the world was serious about embracing renewable energy, someone would have already called me about harnessing the power from my 4 year old’s shouting
ME: I want the car’s brake lines to rust
SCIENTIST: I’m listening
ME: [slides over envelope full of cash] But make it look like an oxidant
Mountain Goat : )
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
Eye of the tiger. Nose of the lion. Mouth of the lynx. Ear of the bobcat. Throat of the cougar. Forehead of the ocelot.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
I don’t want to brag but I have a really nice bum. Found him under the bridge.
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
when I die, cross my arms in the casket so I’ll look like I’m disappointed in everyone who comes to view my body at the funeral
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
*pours a shaker of salt into the ocean*
You’re free now
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
I’m at my most fake news when I tell my husband how much money I spent shopping.
“one time, I saw a wino eating grapes. I was like, dude, you have to wait”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?
Me: It’s for arson, I swear!
Mom: It’d better be!