My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
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Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
My alarm went off and I pressed the Sneeze button instead of the Snooze button. Gonna be a long nine minutes
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Me: I want a raise
Boss: ok and why do you think you deserve a raise?
Me: that’s not what I said
The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep
djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Yeah but the way I see it is, I have the rest of my life to exercise but this 350 pack of Oreos from Costco expires in December of 2017.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
King Midas: *turns something to gold for the first time* Au yeah
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
Ladies, if he:
– only wants to hang out when he’s drunk
– never brings you around his friends
– fingers on his head
– no legs or feet
– always trying to sell you pastaHe’s not your man. He’s the hamburger helper glove
*steps out of time machine*
SCIENTIST: so did you kill Hitler?
ME: [holding a cute little baby triceratops] um yeah, about that…
When they said “History repeats itself,” I wasn’t expecting all of the twentieth century in two years.
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
Dorothy: Follow the Yellow Brick Road.
Yellow Brick Road: I have a boyfriend.