Did you ask her out?
Yes.
And?
She only dates guys named Matt.
Cause she likes to walk all over them?
No, tattoo she can’t afford to remove.
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3 drinks in and that skateboard outside is looking rideable.
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
As the officer approached my car I took a big pull of helium from the balloon and started crying
The single most HARDEST thing about being an immigrant in the US is knowing that regardless of my sacrifices, my beliefs or the beauty in my soul, I, too, may one day be allergic to gluten
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
Uh oh…
Went out of town for the weekend and I’m so happy to be home so I can have insomnia in my own bed
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Me: My name is Helen and I think I may be an alcoholic
Insurance Agent: Lady this is AAA, not AA
Me: Oh I know. I’m just telling you the story of how my car ended up in a tree
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Me: I’ve been thinking about getting a buzz cut
Barber: I don’t think you could pull it off
Me: Well no, you’d have to cut it off
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Thanks for the push notification, Siri – that’s exactly what I needed in that moment 🫠
Ever look up at a star and wonder if someone else in the world is outside, staring at that same star while waiting for their french bread pizza to cook?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
Close call…