Uh oh…
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[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
nobody’s gonna understand
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
*opens front door to see Christmas carolers singing
Please, I have a family
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
The term minivan implies the existence of a more spacious yet less practical mega van
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.
Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.
Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
We never discuss the elephant in the room at family gatherings; my siblings just toss peanuts at me.
If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
Me: Do you ever get the feeling that people are laughing at you behind your back?
My husband: Not really
Me: You’re not very perceptive
Cashier: Big weekend plans?
Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside