If she’s interested in you she will reply
If she isn’t, she won’t
Unless she’s thinking about it then who knows how long it could take
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Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese
Dentists be like, we have the worst possible time available for you. How about that?
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
*Holds my sweatpants like a ball gown when I walk up the stairs*
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
Hickory dickory dock
I think that my soulmate’s a sockThe End
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My doctor advised me to ease back into my exercise regime. So, today I plan on driving past the gym slowly.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
I’ve had mangoes that were better than entire years of my life
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
“Come out of your shell” they said
*2 minutes later*
“Back in the shell… BACK IN THE SHELL!!!”
turns out Xenophobia is not ‘A fear of Warrior Princesses’
‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.