*Decision made
I was thinking of being narsysistic.
But I can’t spell it.
So I’m going to be vein.
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Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
“So you met the victim on tinder”
Yes
“Do you often meet women on tinder”?
Yeah I’ve been murdering it on there
*lawyer puts head in hands*
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
There was a time when all I needed was to feed my grandpa’s goldfish, play with fridge magnets, and drink a 7up with a cherry… but daylight savings ruins everything
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
“If someone wanted to murder you, a night light wouldn’t stop them”
I will never lie to my future children.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
*Googles myself*
“Oh so that’s why I didn’t get the job.”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
If McDonald’s and Burger King get into a turf war, is that a ground beef?
Handshakes should be banned. Touch our naked body parts together for all the world to see? Gross!
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
Reasons my teen is mad this morning
– I took her shopping
– I bought the shirt she wanted
– I asked her to wear the shirt
– I don’t understand why the shirt doesn’t have the vibes
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.