A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!
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why steal office supplies from work when you could take an extra long bathroom break and steal company time instead
Stop being racist to kettles.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
2022 be like
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
*Looking to buy a house*
ME: So, tell me about the neighborhood.
REALTOR: Great school district, very safe neighbo…
ME: No, I mean like the bars.. Are the bars close to here and do I need an Uber or can I just walk to them? What are their happy hour specials like?
Environmentalism is fine but what if global warming is wrong? Then we made our air cleaner for nothing
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
Thank you, Internet.
Thank you.
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Them: Describe the joys of parenthood in 2 words.
Me: The what?
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Grandma: can you call out the bingo numbers?
Me: idk i’ve never done it B4
Gma: holy shit you’re a natural
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me