They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
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[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
The c in scent is quiet today. Too quiet.
God [creating winter precipitation]: Make it white, sparkly, quiet and serene.
Angel: It’ll be beautiful. They’ll love it.
God: Hmm. Make it slick and dangerous too. I don’t want to spoil them.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
I’m going to open a store selling trinkets with profound sayings like “Life is better without crippling obligations” or “Bills are easier to pay when you have money.”
When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother coming😂😂😂😂😂😂
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
wtf is a larm clock?
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one