If history has taught us anything, I’d be surprised.
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Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t find a good way to drink wine from a lying down position.
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
My husband asked me yesterday what I would do with my time if money was no object, and apparently “buy out a Target and sit on top of my hoard like a manic-depressive dragon” was an incorrect response so idk.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
The most difficult part about taking a personality test is deciding which personality should take it.
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Judas: still on for Friday?
Jesus: Friday?
Judas: yeah, the last supper
Jesus: the what?
Judas: supper. Normal supper with the fellas
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
I just saw an 18 year old Girl Scout selling cookies in her uniform and I don’t know how to finish this tweet without sounding really creepy
if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
Ironically, it’s my humility that makes me so much better than everyone else.
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
how i like to believe my wife sees me when i get a jar open or kill a spider
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.