Before Geronimo was born in 1829 what the hell did people yell when they jumped off things?
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I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
When your computer’s memory runs out that’s ramnesia
*flips table*
YO WHO CALLED THEM EXPIRATION DATES INSTEAD OF SPOILER ALERTS
doctor: ah, the picture of perfect health
me: phew, I’m so relieved
doctor: *adjusts nutrition poster* there we go… now, about your diseases…
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
Not too drunk to do the project but too drunk to drive to Home Depot. So you see my dilemma.
My wife’s parrot is in love with some guy named Jeff lol
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
it sucks that a cape on your back makes you fly but a cape on your front just gets you a haircut
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Bread puns are on the rise!