Me: I found this in the fridge with your name on it. Are you gonna eat it?
CW: That’s my stapler
Me: You didn’t answer my question
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Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
[restaurant]
ME: Do you have updog?
WAITER: [sighs] No sir
M: Ok, is this gluten free?
W: No you have to pay for it
M: Damn you’re good
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
Farmer: if you want to fix that soil you have to fertilize it properly
Landscaper: sounds like bullshit
Farmer: yes exactly
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
My superhero origin story began when I was bitten by a radioactive sofa.
Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
Starting to think I’m single because of everyone else’s shortcomings.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
Why do paintings of people centuries ago never show pimples? Ur telling me these people who drank shit water and took baths 2x a decade had clear skin?
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.