It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
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Went to my niece’s elementary school field day last week.
I won every single event.
Every. Single. Event.
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
Aight bet
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
Kid behind me on plane kicking my chair and coloring.
*turns around*
*grabs one of his crayons*
*slowly breaks it*
*whispers “you’re next”*
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.
[at the general store]
me: one general please
An unintentionally hysterical ad offering proof why ‘branding’ always needs a second pair of eyes.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
The only time you should be faking it is when your pet checks to see if you’re awake
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
News Anchor: And now, to report live about this incredibly dangerous storm, we’ll send you out to one of our expendable reporters.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
Not to brag, but I can play a little guitar. Not a regular-sized one though.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
friend: ”how’s life?“
me: ”everything’s on track thanks“the track:
My first act as president will be an executive order requiring that all celebrity baby names be reviewed by a panel of sane people.