It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
![]()
You Might Also Like
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Why do zombies all have such shitty clothes?! It’s like you JUST died, how did you mess up your shirt that bad
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I slapped my hands but they never listen they just keep tapping that keyboard anyways
Sister: have you met any nice men lately?
Me: we are failing the Bechdel test.
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
first you must answer his riddles
![]()
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
College Daughter: Hey dad can you help me with a question on my physics homework?
Me [in my 3rd hour of trying to help my 5th grader with her Common Core Math]: OH THANK GOD SOMETHING EASY
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.