[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
You Might Also Like
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.
I hope they like monopoly.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I put on a blue vest and just walked out of Lowe’s with 18 toilet plungers
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*
*checks for abacus*
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
Many English names are derived from occupations, like Fletcher (arrow maker), Cooper (barrel maker), or Cunningham (tricky pig).
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
[driving date home]
me: where do I drop you off?
her: here is fine
me: you live on the beach?
her: *walks into sea*
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
My kid got invited to a birthday party and I don’t like that kid’s mom so I bought a musical instrument set that includes a drum, a recorder, and a harmonica. I’ll see you in hell, Bethany.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.