Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
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Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
During the day I don’t believe in ghosts, But at night I’m a little bit more open minded
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
4: Mummy, I know how old you are.
Me: OK.
4: Has it got an 8 in it?
Me: Yes! Well done.
4: Is it 8 and then 0?
Me: No, darling, it just feels like it.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
(to my date after each preview at a movie) the actual film will be much longer than that
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Me: I’d like a 90 minute massage please
Clerk: would you like to add acupuncture for $79.99
Me: listen if I wanted to get stabbed in the back, I would do it for free
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
Are you on a Wanted Poster, because you are sketchy as hell…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
My husband is driving with his ex 7 hours home after moving their daughter to college. I suggested they stay at a hotel instead of driving through the night.
Husband, “I’m smart enough to know this is either a set up for real life or for Twitter and either way it’s a no for me.”
I hate when you’re talking to a woman at a bar and some guy comes up and says “Is this guy bothering you?”
It’s even worse when your wife says, “He really is.”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
Friend dropping me off at the airport: ok fly safe
Me who is not piloting the plane: ok I will
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want