Contractor: Here’s your estimate for replacement windows.
Me [looking at estimate]: how much to just board them all up
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My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
We need more people like this.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
Take a deep breath.
Exhale slowly.– Respirational Tweet
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
when i see a siren i like to pretend there are tiny people at an ultra exclusive tiny rave on top of a car.
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
My neighbors with the fireworks would apparently like to wish everyone a happy July 7th.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
So many mixed messages in the media. Titanic tells us “never let go.” Frozen says “let it go.” Smdh
Thursday
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,