I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
My youngest is being tested for the gifted program at his elementary school and my other son thinks his toothbrush is haunted.
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
This dude is ready for anything you could possibly throw his way. He definitely always understands the assignment.
Always.
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
The Roomba is broken and now my wife expects me to fix it like she married Inspector Gadget or something.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”