I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
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Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
Australia is like someone’s still playing jumanji
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Mother: And where did you see this show?
Kid: I saw it on Hulu.
Mother: *raises disapproving eyebrow*
Kid: *sighs* I saw it on Whomlu.
This made me smile…
I’ll burn that bridge when I get there.
ME: I love u
GF: omg
ME: and I wanna be with u always
GF: *crying*
ME: [gets down on 1 knee] will u–
GF: U ARE DISRESPECTING THE FLAG
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
People who block me are well within their right to be wrong about me
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
*hears Siren’s song*
*eyes glaze*
*walks in a trance ten miles*
*breaks window to donut shop*I’m here, Mistress.
*eats everything*
*dies*
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
real
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
– Hey babe, do you like how I did my makeup?
– Yes and if you want I can go and kill Batman with you.
Meanwhile, in Facebook,
Greta, who dislikes the gays, is about to get a big surprise from her son and his “roommate” of 20 years.
Whenever I see a couple doing yard work, I like the one standing by the bags of dirt who looks like they can’t quite believe they are outdoors and can’t fathom how they’ve gotten caught up in this terrible thing.